My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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