Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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