i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
