I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
