she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
