my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
