the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize