I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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