ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
