watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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