Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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