i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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