Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
