Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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