I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
