No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
