What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Randomize
