there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I will die if light touches me.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
