There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm at about main and main street
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
