Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
