Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
