twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
