Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She said her name was "party"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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