Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
