Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
