so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
