my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
