I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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