I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
