Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
