All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
