His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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