It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
