he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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