Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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