I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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