Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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