I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
