i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
