I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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