Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
