This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
