apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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