Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
