I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Enjoy the penises
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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