Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
