I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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