I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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