New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
