I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
