There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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