And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize