I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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