I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
