I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
