I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
