I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
