I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
